Saturn Return and Motherhood changed everything—including my relationship to plant medicine

How my Saturn Return (and motherhood) are shaping my perception on plant medicine and showed me the real medicine.

The exact time of my Saturn Return is tomorrow! Becoming a mother has shaped my relationship to many things. I question a lot and reflect on so many things while entering this new phase of life. (I am also experiencing my Saturn return- my soul was in for the whole package as always😉)One of the things I reflected most on is my relationship to the medicines of the forest, especially the great mother, Mother Ayahuasca. 

Anyone who knows me, knows I much I love working with master teacher plants, especially ayahuasca. 

Before I got pregnant Ayahuasca was my gateway to tuning into bigger concepts, my connection to spirit, my healer and also my life coach. But I also identified with my role as “Ayahuasca-Nele”. 

During my pregnancy I felt the sudden and surprising urge to step away from this work - now I can see how necessary that was. Ayahuasca has opened so many doors for me… let me into her world, helped me discover so much of my inner world, my traumas, my beauty and my bullshit. She gave me such profound healing and will forever be my favorite teacher! But I had to come to the realization, that there were certain things, that the medicine didn’t “fix” for me, certain problems that wouldn’t go away. 

In my 20s I was part of a group surrounding this “shaman” who had implemented the belief that this medicine is the only cure for everything. According to him, All you have to do is drink more (of his) medicine and don’t you dare stop. if you stopped or felt like now is not the right time it was just you not wanting to do your work or face your problems. The typical way to gaslight anyone into mistaking their intuition for their „problem“ or biggest block. (This obviously helped them make good money with gaslighting people into ceremony)

I was young, easy to manipulate and eager to share this beautiful medicine with the world because I knew what it had done for me and wanted everyone to benefit from this profound jungle plant that had made her way to  Europe to help us heal. So I barely allowed myself to explore anything outside of ceremony or receive any teachings outside of that space - because I was taught this is the only way. (Btw that’s how every cult works) So stopping or taking a break was not an option because i had this belief programmed that if I’d stop I was weak or would stop growing or not ready for this work… 

Gaslighting is so easily done in those vulnerable spaces. I had to forgive myself for following these teachings. Also had to forgive myself for being part of it and not treating this precious medicine as such… I learned my lesson!

So coming back to myself and my own guidance, de-Programming myself I found myself at a place where all I wanted to do was take a step back. Even though Mama Aya has helped me tremendously working through my traumas and moving things in my life over the years, I realized, that I had gotten to a point where I could not grow any further in ceremony. The next piece of work would have to be integration. Applying the healing and incredible teachings this medicine has provided me with. Integrating it and not skipping the 4th dimension which is Time and space - bringing it into the physical. 

That is where I am at. 

It’s my Saturn return baby and I am also a mom know. The great mother Aya has done so much work with me and I couldn’t show up as the mom I am today without her example. 

The strict, honest, hilarious but unconditionally loving mother. Who gave me all the tools I needed to do it myself. Always many steps ahead, straight and brutally honest, yet incredibly patient and forgiving. 

Only revealing what I was willing to see. 

And now I am willing to see. 

That this medicine is not for everyone. 

That this medicine takes ages to grow. 

That the consumption is heavy on the jungle and its people…

No amount of ceremonies will cure your inability to face your actual bullshit if our are not willing to see it. Too much medicine can make you sick - especially too much medicine on an unstable root.

This is where it can get dangerous, this is where we can get stuck with these powerful medicines.

I am not saying don’t drink the medicine if she calls you.  Follow the call she knows best. If she calls you she calls you for a reason. I’m just saying to acknowledge the time and effort it takes for her to grow, to be alchemized into liquid and served to you. 

It’s a privilege and it’s an honor.

If we find ourselves in that privileged position, it’s for a reason and it’s on us to make the most of it. 

Make it count!

When I was ready to be a mother myself I was ready to let go of her a bit more. It’s the longest break I had with medicine since starting my journey in 2018, yet I feel closer to her than I have for a while. I realize that I can tune in to things and have access to the information without medicine as well. It sure is different but very important for me to learn that I don’t depend on her. If She has taught me one thing it’s how to listen to myself. I am a big girl now and ready to go into the world, sharing, on the stable foundation she has helped me buil. 

Now it’s time to work. The integration and the work between ceremonies. Manifestation by hard work and effort. Saturn medicine. Of course I will come back when the time is right and I have done my homework. I am her student after all. 

But i am only realizing now, how important the integration really is. How much further we can go if we really really give us time and do our humanly job in between those sacred spaces. 

How much more medicine the medicine can be if we give her (and us) that space…

I don’t know if I would have that break if it wasn’t for my beautiful daughter. Who is my new biggest teacher😉

With Love

Nele